i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
