If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You can't just leave with hair like that
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
