smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
