I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
