...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
