At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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