ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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