He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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