ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
