Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
