there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize