ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
