My friends, they love my intelligence
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
