genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How drunk are you?
Completed.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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