theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
