I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
