Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
