There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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