Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
