Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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