I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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