his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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