I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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