My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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