my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize