True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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