do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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