Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
