Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
