Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
