I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
