Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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