I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
