The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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