He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
