He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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