I heard we made out
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
