The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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