I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
