Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
