The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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