Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
