All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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