Please, let me fuck your mom
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize