real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
