Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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