Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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