I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
