I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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