I can't breathe out the right side of my face
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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