OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
