i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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