The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
