I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
