I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize