I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
