He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
