my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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