if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
