Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
