I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
