I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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