I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
