oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize