Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
