I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
