so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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