a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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