her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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