I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
