pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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