Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
