does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
