have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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