Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
